*spoiler alert, expletives and rant style run-on sentences used*

As a 26 year old male I'm no stranger to idiotic methods of attempting to bolster one's sex appeal. These methods elude panache, crush subtlety, and instantly turn a well meaning effort to get laid into an infallable way to look like a pretentious @!$%#. I've seen them all, considered some, and sadly, I've tried one or two. I'm not proud of it, but this is how we learn.

Example #1: A short man's Napoleon complex compels him to purchase a large lifted truck. What was supposed to make him feel tall is a transparent effort to combat the insecurity about his height. Instead the attractive woman sees an insecure short @!$%#er who looks like Lord Farquaad from Shrek everytime he enters or exits his vehicle. The verdict: Not sexy.

Example #2: A music enthusiast elects to put an aftermarket stereo system in his car in an effort to get noticed. Rather than replace the 6X9's with a higher quality speaker and install an 8" subwoofer for richer bass he elects to empty his bank account to install 8 top of the line 12" subwoofers. He's certainly caught the attention of the attractive female, but all she sees is a soon-to-be-deaf inconsiderate prick at the helm of a mobile earthquake who's stupid enough to think that everyone within an a-bomb's blast radius wants to hear his @!$%#ty music. The verdict: Not sexy + inconsiderate + stupid.

Example #3: An automotive enthusiast attempts to sweeten his ride by applying an obnoxiously large sticker identifying the make and model of his vehicle to the windshield of...the same vehicle. Unfortunately he has only managed to reveal that his car is too obscure of a make and model to instantly stand out from the other cars. The attractive girl is drawn to the car, but sees nothing but mediocre car + sticker + douchebag who thought a giant sticker with the make and model of the car was going to fool her into thinking that the car was anything more exotic than the make and model of...the same car. The verdict: Not sexy + bafflingly idiotic + calls the mediocrity of their car to attention.

I guess what I'm getting here is that guys do some stupid, counterproductive @!$%# to get laid, or at the very least, noticed. Share your thoughts, other examples, and perhaps confessions. Or if appropriate, come to the aid of the terrible, terrible things you've done to your car, or yourself to "look cool". Have fun!

*written with a touch of s\*

We all know that our comments and articles are the most correct, ideally orchestrated, and insightful to be found on Newsvine. Our flawless thought processes, paired with our unparallelled mastery of the English language merge into what can only be described as some of the best political insight ever offered. Yet something is missing - a voice. What if the was a way to add credence to our already marvelous words by assigning a voice so majestic that even the fiercest idealistic rival would have difficulty disagreeing with our flawless statements? Here you can. Have fun.

@!$%#! Serie A, Bundesliga, EPL, La Liga, Champions League, the Gold Cup, are all over. I browsed the live and upcoming events on ESPN3 (screw cable, I don't need it) and had the choice of tennis, canoeing, or soccer. Don't like tennis, I should be canoeing, and it's women's soccer. Damn it all! Fine, France against Nigeria, I'll watch it anyway. It's in the second half...it's not bad and I finish the game. OK, nothing else on. Next up is Canada vs. Germany. I watch it and I begin to notice things:

10. Minimal appeals from the ground- Unlike men's soccer these women seem more interested in standing back up and playing the game than trying to convince the referee that they were wronged by the other player. A true testament to their work ethic and their desire to play the game.

9. Commentators- There always seems to be recently retired female international offering commentary on these games and their statements reflect their knowledge of the game and bring a rare aspect of insight instead of the usual armchair quarterbacking.

8. Embellishing- There is none. I never thought I'd ever watch a soccer player go to ground and have legitimate concern for their physical well being.

7. Bullying the ref- They don't do it. They accept the calls and play on.

6. Time wasting- Once again, they don't do it. You can expect 90 minutes of quality play from these athletes.

5. What's diving?- Commonplace in men's soccer and yet it seemed nonexistent in the women's world cup today. These women hold a higher standard of sportsmanship and it's extremely refreshing.

4. Accurate refereeing- Without the diving, embellishing, and whining it almost seems too easy.

3. Sportsmanship- These women live it. I mentioned diving, embellishing, referee abuse, and whining didn't I? The most irritating aspects of men's soccer are absent from their game. No theatrics, just soccer. I love it.

2. They're not at all hard to look at- These girls take great care of themselves and even when after running for 90 minutes they're gorgeous. Ring-a-ding-ding!

1. They're good! -Inspired passing, the type of accurate shooting that I'd expect from elite men's teams, hard, clean tackling and phenomenal goalkeeping were the norm today and they're still only in the group stages.

I'm certainly glad I stumbled on this tournament. I will be following it closely and I have a new appreciation for women's soccer and these true athletes who play the game as it should be played. Keep it up ladies!

Just had the misfortune of viewing one of the dumber commercials I've seen in my lifetime:

An attractive young woman was walking though what appeared to be some sort of underground nightclub populated by other aesthetically blessed albeit somewhat undead looking patrons. At least I think that's what was happening. I can't be sure because the commercial rapidly switched from shot to shot in the epileptic manner many music videos have been plagued by. "CAN YOU HANDLE THE HEAT?" appears in bright flashing letters immediately before the product is revealed- Water. I heard Louis Black's irate voice in my head-

Are you freaking kidding me??? IT'S WATER!

Not only is water usually free it's a fairly tame substance. Come to think of it, it's probably the mildest substance on Earth as far as the human gastrointestinal system is concerned. What the hell does my tolerance for elevated temperatures have to do with water? I'm thinking that their slogan should be reserved for a 5 alarm hot sauce. Or am I supposed to concede? Am I supposed to humbly resign and admit "No, bottlers of imported water, without your product I would pathetically desiccate under the hot hot sun. Although there are many less expensive alternatives, and faucets provide it for free, I will forever subscribe to your product."

I made the mistake of thinking about it even more when it dawned on me- This particular water is imported...imported water? It crosses the entire Atlantic ocean (which for those who do not know consists entirely of water) before it gets to North America where there are seemingly limitless sources of freshwater suitable for human consumption and as a result of its journey it is sold at an elevated price? We can't even buy free things American? What's next? Imported company pens at $5 bucks a pop? Is there something I don't know about this water? Something that makes this water special? Indisputably better than our North American water? To hell with their stupid water and their stupid ad.

I still don't know what the creepy nightclub or the good looking girl had to do with water.

If you have 10 minutes you'll probably enjoy Lewis Blacks rant on milk and water.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXS5GBuk-GQ

Well folks feel free to bitch about commercials that confuse or irritate you. Or you can give me crap for writing a pissy rant about an ad for water.

It's no secret that network daytime television is a tribute to the most disturbing and irritating behaviors imaginable. It's hours of unmitigated trash glorifying the most obnoxious, counterproductive individuals smut peddlers can find. Lately it's become apparent that the majority of the commercials are for organizations who seem to be interested in perpetuating this moronic crap. The following is a sampling of some of the more prevalent examples:

"When everybody gets paid, everybody's happy." Guess what, not everybody! Case in point the poor bastard who has to pay the jackass in the phony C-Collar who they traded paint with in a parking lot. Sometimes people are at fault and sometimes people get hurt and should be held accountable but this sort of commercial screams "Sue Somebody!" and perpetuates a culture that would rather put a serious setback on a persons life than to actually work for their money. Suing someone should be a last resort.

Mesothelioma- If you have it, and you haven't sued somebody, one in every four commercials believes you should. Alright these lawyers are getting really irritating. Do they want to put criminals in jail? Doesn't seem like it. Are they interested in defending the wrongly accused? I doubt it. Do they want to bog down the already laughable judicial system with any lucrative case they can? Sure seems like it.

As if suing someone wasn't tantalyzing enough if the poor bastard a person sued can't cough up the loot quick enough there's a company that can provide "cash now" if the accuser gives them a call. This does nothing but perpetuate frivilous lawsuits and facilitate the ease of financial gain for initiating them. Once again this enables irresponsible behavior.

One commercial (and most of the commercials this organization airs) is exceptionally irritating. It features some chunky twat voicing her displeasure with the last few jobs she's had. This was in late 2009, when employment was nearly unattainable, and this company had the audacity to air an ad featuring some whiny, ungrateful little brat who was voicing her dissatisfaction with employment that millions of Americans would have been more than happy to have.

As long as these organizations enable this irresponsible crap there will be an endless supply of apprehendees (see Cops), uneducated plantiffs and defendants (see all court shows), and absolute freaks of nature (see Springer, Wilkos, etc.) to parade on national TV. Enjoy!

A certain beer company currently has an ad campaign portraing their light beer as the standard for manly beer. This of course raises the question, "How the hell is light beer manly?". Are there seriously people out there who have been swayed by this series of commercials? How insecure and out of touch with reality does one have to be to switch from one light beer to another because an ad suggests that their light beer is somehow less manly than another light beer? The reality is, light beers just aren't macho!

Let me know what you think, but not unless you're willing to reveal your favorite beers. Cheers everybody.

Get smarter here! Well, something like that...possibly...maybe not..probably not...here's why not...

#10- IMO

Of course it's their opinion. Unless it's an undisputed fact backed by solid reference materials, or something that adds little to no value to the discussion, it should be an opinion. If you said it. It is now yours. That being said, nobody should need to preface their opinion, with the abbreviated version of "In my opinion.". It's redundant and it's an insult to our intelligence.

#9- IMHO

Get freaking real they aren't fooling anybody. Their opinions aren't humble and if they were they probably wouldn't be worth casting out into the internet for all to see. In their mind it's Gospel and we all know it. Stand by your opinion or shut the hell up.

#8- Where's the down button?

Let's face it. Some comments just don't deserve a response. I don't like my alternatives of, well, telling on them, collapsing their comment (making it undeniably tantalyzing to expand), or trying to talk sense into the person (never works, we know this). With one click of the mouse I could at least make one small step in the fight to debunk their incredibly stupid statement. Please give us a down button so we can visibly send retarded opinions to the very depths of the hell where they belong.

#7- Obnoxious, twisted, spin infested headlines.

(Insert political figure you've probably never heard of here)(insert political party here) said (insert horrible thing here...probably off record, in passing, and out of context but I won't mention that)- Is the formula that reaches the top of the vine time and time again. It draws the ire of both sides and it "sells". No fun telling it like it is right?

#6- "Teabaggers", "Odummer", "RepubliCONS", "Obummer", "Republithugs", "Libbys", "Shrub"....ok shrub is actually kinda funny...

Name calling. Is this elementary school? I've seen more sophisticated fights in a sandbox. If you call any group of people a name, they won't have any respect for what you say. They will not want to engage in a civil discussion with you. If you have no interest in participating in a civil discussion, @!$%# off!

#5- "Racist!"

If they can spell, construct a complete sentence, and they're not demanding a birth certificate, tossing slurs around or calling for genocide they're probably not racist. Stop calling them that; It does not foster civil discussion. Give your fellow newsviner the benefit of the doubt.

#4- "So you're saying that..."

When people say this is it ever what you said, or meant, or even dreamed of? Of course it isn't. It's usually a drastic and unflattering twist of what you've said by someone who has absolutely no legitimate argument in an attempt to make you look bad. Terrible form. Take your fellow newviners words at face value and this will be a much happier place to converse.

#3- LOL

The third and final acronym to top my list is the ultimate giggly pre-teen acronym. It has no place among adults. Did whatever comment they just made really make them laugh out loud? Did it really? If yes I certainly hope it was funny, but it almost never is. A person's comment should stand alone as funny. If they need a tired adolescent acronym to prod you to hysteria they need to alter their timing or delivery instead. Congratulations. They've conquered step 1: Using the internet. Step 2: Figuring out that acting like an 11 year old on a forum for adult discussion is not cool. 

#2- Capitalizing EVERY other WORD that you FREAKING TYPE.

Is it too much to ask for the occasional italicized word or the sporadic word in bold? For some, yes. They choose to capitalize half their post. Their very ideas fall victim to their "typers tourettes", and what may have been a valid argument is now entirely cloaked in the bleak opacity of the standard and egregiously self righteous, "preachy rant" format. Fellow Newsviner drpaul summed it up perfectly: "that style really f*cks with the guy in my head that I can hear when I'm reading!".

#1- Blind partisanship.

Think of someone who affiliates themself to the opposing political party who you'd consider voting for. If you can't think of anyone, you might be part of the problem.

They're they are my friends and foes the top 10 things on newsvine that piss me off! Let me know if I forgot anything. Better yet, let me know what pisses you off, and have a safe Memorial day weekend!